Where do you look for answers?

Life is always hard for some, but others kind of float merrily along without a care in the world. Though, for most of us, that season doesn't last too long. Then we find our selves running head long into something huge we've no idea what do do about. At that point we have a few choices.

We can:

1. panic
   
2. get depressed and think life is over
   
3. we can start looking for answers.

If you are smart, 3 will be your choice.

But the first question is: Where do you look for answers? Seriously, when you have a big problem, where do you turn? Many popular choices are:

1. Doctors
2. Books
3. Pastor/Priest
4. Best Friend
5. Fortune Tellers
6. Search the Internet

But often we leave one till the very last when everything else has failed us.

God......

Can you imagine with me for a moment? Pretend you're a devoted parent and your child has a big problem. And maybe by accident or unintended by that child, you discover the suffering your child has gone through. Perhaps your imaginary child needs something that is astronomical to them, but may be simple. for you to fix for them. Maybe they've wasted huge amounts of time and energy fretting, worrying and trying to change things until they give up. But if they had only come to you...if they'd just realized how deep your love went...if only they'd known that you desire to help them and deliver them from suffering.... But not until they've tried everything...exhausted all energy and known resources, they finally humble themselves and come to you.

If this scenario were real, and perhaps it IS real for some of my readers, wouldn't your heart just break? How much anguish you could've spared this precious child!! But they would not let you, or perhaps they didn't trust you. Maybe they were to "grown" too proud and independent! Wanting to "make it on their own!"

For whatever reason, in our story, they didn't turn to you, even though you were willing and able to give them exactly what they needed. Perhaps you'd been down the road they were going and all they really needed was a guide. But no. Not until the value of everything else out there was totally lost to them.

Have you been there? Has your child done this to you? Has he/she shut you out when you knew they were grieving? Did it break your heart? Maybe you did this to your parent. Thinking they couldn't possibly understand. Maybe you thought times were just too different now for them to relate. Then you had your own children. Then your heart longed to be a part of their world...but they would not.

Would you consider for a moment that this story replays itself more than a million times every single day? Maybe not in a physical family, though it IS far too common, but in a spiritual sense.

Many of you reading this maybe find your self in a spot you could've never foreseen and have no idea how to get out of. Maybe you've never even pondered the existence of God. Perhaps you've been taught He's either a myth, or maybe whatever you choose Him to be. Some say God is in everything, or maybe even IS everything.

Let's go back to our story for a moment. Could you put yourself in the place of that child? Just what if God is a Father who loves His child and has all power and recourses at His disposal. But there's only one problem. He only goes where He's invited.

What if.....

Just a thought. What if there IS an answer...what if there IS someone who can help you? What if you look every where ELSE except where your answer really is?

But just maybe you're a bit like me...you believe in God and His Father's Heart, but easily distracted by every day life. I'm the one at the top of this post. Looking to Drs, Books, Internet, Friends... Have you ever heard this phrase, "Now all we can do is pray." As if that's the last resort!

If God loves us as much as the Bible says He does, how His heart must break when we waste so much time, energy and grief looking everywhere but His Heart for what can really help us. Why do we wait 'till the very last to do what we should have done first?

Tonight as this realization hit me, my heart was overwhelmed with the grief that must be in my Father's Heart when I wear myself out and become hopeless. Its as if I've forgotten all the times He's been there and helped me all my life. (see: Time to Remember Pt 2) Yet when my husband's ill, what do I do? I talk to friends. I search Internet info on meds. I order herbs on-line. Not until nothing seems to work and hubby's still suffering I realize what I've done...again.

The tears began to flow as I cried out to my Father...in my heart falling at His feet...feeling the pain of His discounted heart...again. Why have I put Him last? Why have I not called on Him first? We might have had the answer long ago.

Where will YOU go for answers?

Reaching the End of Hope

When things are going smooth as silk
Just the way it ought to be
Normally not much time is spent
Considering future calamity

Testing, trials, difficulty and pain
Things we think don't apply to you and me
Until the darkness fills the sky
Sometimes we often can not see

The path to take...the road to go
So unclear's the day
You try everything you know
But can not find the way

To undo what has been done
Or mend a heart thats broken
Repairing a relationship
Or take back words you've spoken

No time machine to take you back
To undo whats been done
Only grief and tears and rain
Just waiting for the sun

Sometimes its seems you've done everything
You possibly could do
But nothing seems to help at all
Wondering if you'll make it through

Then at last you realize
As tears begin to flow
After doing all you knew
You've reached the end of hope

Hope in changing whats inside
of circumstance or self
You've tried and failed so many times
Must turn to Someone Else

You've read of transformation
Of healing and New Birth
Now it is the ONLY way
Your life will be of worth

For you know that in yourself
there's nothing you can offer
But what you need is to be re-written
By Life's All-Mighty Author

When we get to the end of ourselves
And there's nothing left to give
Then we reach past the end of hope
And let God through us Live

Whats Your Earliest Memory?

Time to Remember Pt 2

My earliest memory was my fourth birthday. My father was still living, so he was able to come in to my crib and carry me into their bedroom, where a beautiful blue cake was waiting.

They encouraged me to blow out the candles. However as tiny as I was my cake was enormous and I had no idea how I could get to all the candles. I think they finally helped me.

It's only a brief glimpse, but I remember being together, and I remember that beautiful blue icing. I later found out that my mother thought it was purple, and she had worked so hard on it trying to get it just right. It didn't turn out the way she wanted, but it was absolutely beautiful to me.

Even though that was the earliest thing I could put a date next to, there are so many other shadows in my childhood. Glimpses and snatches of color and shapes, peoples faces, small activities. Like the time I remember laying on my parents bed plucking my father's guitar strings, while they were in the living room watching TV, I guess. The guitar was enormous next to my tiny body. I had to reach up over the side to reach the strings. They heard me too. I guess they decided I would be a musician,after that.

Oh how I loved music. I still do. I remember my father singing to us at night, with his beautiful big guitar. Some people said that he sounded like Chet Atkins. Others said he should go to Nashville, but he didn't want anything to do with the star life. He was content with his little family. My mom said she used to sing with the symphony orchestra in Albuquerque. Too bad I never saw any of those days.

The earliest memories I have of my mother were working hard, fixing wonderful meals, taking care of the house and wrapping up my broken bones... mostly after the doctors had refused to touch me, or removed her previous wrappings, just to get an x-ray. She spent a lot of time propping me with pillows and making clothes that were easy for me to get in and out of. She crocheted a lot too. Taking an odd jobs sewing and crochet... anything she could get for a little extra money.

So many memories. I remember God making a way for my sister to go to a private school for 12 years with my mother on widows benefits and my sister and I on SSI. It's really physically impossible or financially impossible except for God.

I remember being carried around on a pillow, or a canvas, and maybe even a padded Board, taken from place to place. I remember dreaming of a chair that I could push myself. When I was six years old, I got one. But I could only push it a little. Then I remembered for years, dreaming of a chair that I could just push a button and it would go, exactly the direction I wanted it to, so I could keep up with people. And they wouldn't have to push me around. At the age of 13, that dream came true.

It's amazing how you can envision things in your mind and they happen. Or just maybe, God puts a dream in your heart, or a promise from His heart to bless yours, and though it may seem like a lifetime until it comes... It will come. Don't lose heart. From six to 13 is a long time. When your child.

And I remember dreaming about living on my own. People said it could never be done. Don't most people say that? Do you have a huge dream? Small minded fearful people that maybe never tried anything outside the box in their whole life! I knew it was going to be hard, but I never stopped dreaming.

I remember my mother falling out of her wheelchair in 1995. Broke both her arms. She couldn't do anything for herself. She was in the hospital for one month. Even after she got home, she really couldn't help me with much of anything. Before that she was my sole caregiver. My God sustained me. He kept me alive. At first I didn't even know when I could go to the bathroom or have a drink of water... right after she fell. The Lord sustained me.

For a whole month he took care of me and taught me how to do things for myself that I had never even tried before. Maybe I was afraid before? Maybe my mother was too protective? But sometimes you have to do what you have to do no matter what the costs. And when you're alone, you have to learn how to do a lot on your own.

But the Lord sent people to help me 2... 3... or maybe 4 times a day. Volunteers. Good people. I may have waited some, I never went without. I realized if the Lord can care for me for a month, He could care for me the rest of my life.

Five years after my mother fell, I moved into my own apartment. A lot happened in the meantime, but I know it was the Lord that made it possible.

I remember most of my life, dreaming of having my own vehicle. My mom and I used dream and talk of having a van we could travel around with, in our wheelchairs. We used to plan all the places that we would go. Like out to lunch and then decide to go shopping on the way home. Doesn't seem like much does it? But when you have public transportation, that would be impossible.

I remember when my mother died in December of 2000. Sometime in January, I got a check for the life insurance. It made me angry! It was as though some big corporation was compensating me for my mother with money. Of course, I came to my senses and understood that was what insurance was for. Because of that money in September. I finally had a van that I could ride in, sitting in my wheelchair.

I remember almost all of my life, dreaming of being married one day. There was a longing in my heart, through Times of rejection and loneliness. But then in March of 2002 the Lord brought a wonderful man and into my life...Bill. Funny thing... I really didn't want to be married then. I was very content to be single at that point. I had built up many walls from being very hurt 10 years earlier. But for the grace of God, those walls would have never come down... My Father showed me the key... how to let Bill in. In January 2003 we were married. We just celebrated our sixth anniversary.

It really is amazing, if you look over your life. Yes, there may be some very painful things that you'd rather forget. I still cry when I think about that check after my mother died. How cold and heartless... how it all seemed so final, sending a check to the grave-diggers. On the other hand, all these dreams that I had, from a tiny child on up. Not long ago, I looked back over my life, and I realized that every last one of my impossible dreams come true.

All but one actually. I still dream of inspiring people with songs and poetry. Bringing them closer to a clear vision of the heart of God. Helping them somehow to see just how beautiful he is and how much He loves them. If only they knew. If only they could see the Heart that I have seen. My heart breaks when I think of people who are mad at God, or who think that he's mad at them. If He could send His own Son as a sacrifice to bridge the gap between Heaven and Earth, watch Him die a painful awful, indescribable death... just so we can be near him... how much more love could someone offer than that?

May all your dreams come true, in 2009. But even if they don't... wait a little while. You never know what can happen. :-).

Love always,

Rebecca

The Silent World of Pain

How can there ever be such a space
where though you still see each face
and hear the voice and touch the hand
each is alone within this place

through actions done or words misspoken
somehow sacred trusts are broken
like walls of glass, they separate
but like walls of stone, they do not break

Some want to scream but words won't come
Some feel they are the only one
who's felt this agony inside
so as strangers run away and hide

hide from any further pain
they couldn't bare to do this again
so walls get thicker and silence grows
as into their space the wounded goes

if only they didn't have to hide
if only they could see on the other side
of their wall there's someone really who cares
who never meant to put them there

who longs and prays with all their might
for Son to come break through the night
for stinging and bleeding to come to Pass
And our Victor break down these walls of glass

For Him to wipe away our tears
for His perfect Love to calm our fears
To sooth our wounds with Holy Oil
and all the enemy's plans to foil

To cleans our hearts from poison that mames
and causes loved ones to retreat again
O strengthen hearts with walls that last
So we do need these walls of glass

To somehow make us free again
from tear-soaked pillows and blood that stains
that God's own Joy would deliver again
from this silent world of pain